Redo: Things She Could Be Doing Instead

This post has been redone.


* Right now she’s supposed to be writing two articles: one is on the Honors program and the other is on invested professorships. Until a few weeks ago, she had no idea what an invested professorship was.  Apparently it’s like a grant for professors awarded by extremely benevolent benefactors or groups of people. The hardest part of her job is transcribing interviews, mostly because you never realize how much people say “Uh, um, like, ah,” along with other hesitation noises or repeat themselves until you have to listen to a recording of their voice over and over again. Those noises ruin some of the best quotes.

Sometimes she doubts herself and  feels like she’s going to be a bad reporter because when people make hesitation noises during an interview she makes a cringe face because that quote that sounded so eloquent and full of emotion was just ruined by the interviewee saying “well, you know,” smack dab in the middle of it. Other times she doesn’t know if she should be a reporter at all. Some days she dreams about being a professional mattress tester or bubblewrap examiner. She believes she would be an excellent mattress tester personally.

mattress tester


2. Eating lunch**

** Her fiance made her lunch today. He made her a sandwich and gave her two packs of cheese crackers, a Mountain Dew Code Red, and a can of vienna sausages. With no fork. Her choices consist of eating the wee little weiners with her fingers and risk losing a digit to the unforgiving sharp metal edges of the can or staring at it blankly and hoping the sausage fairy comes to her assistance. Somehow this seems like a scene out of a SAW movie.

can of vienna sausages

Seemingly harmless

3. Sleeping***

***Granted, she is still at work, but she also knows she’s not the first person with a desk job who’s fantasized about making a fort in the knee space beneath their desk. Seriously, all she needs is a pillow and a little curtain and she’d be fine. It would be a nice place to spend her lunch breaks. Her can of vienna sausages could keep her company.

4. Staring into the abyss quietly****

****Unfortunately, much of the time she spends writing turns into this. She believes the abyss is the only thing that doesn’t mind if she stares at it while the slow, grinding wheels of inspiration turn in her head.  Most people get weirded out by her staring into space. Probably because the space she’s staring at is directly to the left of their head. Sometimes she stares at a downward angle and cocks her head to the side with a semi-vacant expression on her face. Inspiration (a.k.a. the abyss) lives in weird places. The abyss is a good listener when she’s talking to herself too. She wonders if the abyss likes vienna sausages. Or has a fork.


Pictured Above: The Abyss

5. Screaming into the abyss*****

*****The abyss does not have a fork. And does not like being yelled at. That is all.*^*

*^*The abyss does like vienna sausages however.


8 responses to “Redo: Things She Could Be Doing Instead

  1. This was so much fun. The thing about vienna sausages is that they aren’t even seemingly harmless. They’re just full of harm. My cousin had a drawer full of them, just cans upon cans of sausage.

    • Glad you enjoyed it! Your cousin sounds a bit odd, I’ll admit. Ramen is the poor man’s spaghetti and vienna sausages are his bratwurst, I suppose. I try not to read the ingredients label on the side of the can. Mechanically separated meat substances just sounds disturbing.

  2. i liked this story. and i like how you took the abyss and the vienna sausage and brought the two ideas together through the abyss liking vienna sausage. i used to like those as a kid but now i absolutely hate them so thanks for the reminder lol. also your title and opening were very interesting to me because it reminded me of a poem i wrote called “things i did to avoid writing poetry” for a class. I think had I had the idea to then turn that list into a story it would’ve been great. but enough of my rambling. good work!

  3. I like your use/misuse/experimental-use of the * and I think you should use it more. Also I would recommend experimenting with the overuse of some phrase in one of your future stories as you described up top. Maybe it doesn’t actually “ruin it” as you say, maybe it just makes it unconventional et cetera….

  4. I liked navigating your stream of conscious

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