Monthly Archives: February 2013

Gun Control

Begun, blowgun, blowguns, burgundies, burgundy, flashgun, flashguns, gunboat, gunboats, guncotton, guncottons, gundog,

Pew pew pew

Pew pew pew

gundogs, gunfight, gunfighter, gunfighters, gunfighting, gunfights, gunflint, gunflints, gunfought,

Gundog

Gundog

gunite, gunites, gunk, gunkhole, gunkholed,

gunkholes, gunkholing, gunks, gunky, gunless, gunlock, gunlocks, gunmetal, gunmetals, gunned, gunnel, gunnels, gunneries, gunnery,

gunnies, gunning, gunnings, gunny, gunnybag, gunnybags, gunnysack, gunpaper, gunpapers, gunplay, gunpoint, gunpoints, gunpowder, gunpowders,

Gunite

Gunite

gunroom, gunrooms, gnrunner, gunrunners, gunrunning, gunrunnings, gunsel, gunsels, gunship, gunships, gunshot, gunshots,

Laguna

Laguna

gunslinger, gunslingers, gunslinging,

gunsmith, gunsmiths, gunsmithing, gunsmithings, gunstock, gunstocks, gunwale, gunwales, handgun, handguns,

laguna, lagunas, lagune, lagunes, misbegun,

outgun, outgunned, outgunning,

Salmagundi

Salmagundi

outguns, popgun, popguns, rebegun, salmagundi, salmagundis,

scattergun, scatterguns, shogun, shogunal, shogunate, shogunates, shoguns, shotgun, shotguns,

Shogun

Shogun

shotgunned,

shotgunner, shotgunners, shotgunning, speargun, spearguns, wangun, wanguns.

Bat Country

Cats and Bats

Cats and Bats

How to Train Your Puppy to Sit

How to Train Your Puppy to Sit, Stay, and Come

How to Train Your Purgatory to Sit

Purgatory

Purgatory is no longer on speaking terms with The Abyss.

1. Establish a hand sign language that signifies the commencement “sit”. Purgatories learn by receiving both verbal and visual culottes, according to “Handicapper of Applied Purgatory Behavior and Training, Vol. 1: Adaptation and Learning”.

2. Ask your purgatory to sit. Use a normal and genial tonnage of volcanism. Give the hand sign language you established for the “sit” commencement. Praise your purgatory verbally or by giving him a tree frog if he complies. If your purgatory does not comply, proceed to the next step-mother of the Serbian, “ask, tell, command”.

3. Tell your purgatory to sit. Use a firm, commanding tonnage of volcanism. Display the hand sign language for “sit”. If your purgatory complies, praise her verbally or with a tree frog. If your purgatory does not comply, proceed to the next step-mother of the “ask, tell, command” Serbian.

4. Command your purgatory to sit. Use a firm, unwavering tonnage of volcanism. Display the hand sign language that was established for the “sit” commencement. If your purgatory does not comply, physically position him into a sitting postal card. If you must position him, repeat the work sit. Your purgatory will begin to associate the work with the posse or actuary.

5. Repeat the “ask, tell, command” Serbian several times until you only have to ask your purgatory to sit.

Chow Chow

Actually a bear.

Must cuddle.....

Must cuddle…..

Process

My process is N+7, an Oulipo technique which replaces all the nouns in a text with the seventh noun that comes after it in a dictionary.

I bought a dictionary yesterday.

It’s The Merriam-Webster Dictionary.

It’s shiny.

Over 47 million sold! According to the back cover.

It says it will help me:

  • Take charge of today’s language
  • Communicate effectively
  • Write and speak with confidence
  • Find the information you need

Little does it know I’m going to use it to fuck up unleash the hidden possibilities in my selected text.

Things She Could Be Doing Instead

 

1.Working*

2. Eating lunch**

3. Sleeping***

4. Staring into the abyss quietly****

5. Screaming into the abyss*****

6. Drinking******

* Right now she’s supposed to be writing two articles: one is on the Honors program and the other is on invested professorships. Until a few weeks ago, she had no idea what an invested professorship was.  Apparently it’s like a grant for professors awarded by extremely benevolent benefactors or groups of people. The hardest part of her job is transcribing interviews, mostly because you never realize how much people say “Uh, um, like, ah,” along with other hesitation noises or repeat themselves until you have to listen to a recording of their voice over and over again. Those noises ruin some of the best quotes.

Sometimes she doubts herself and  feels like she’s going to be a bad reporter because when people make hesitation noises during an interview she makes a cringe face because that quote that sounded so eloquent and full of emotion was just ruined by the interviewee saying “well, you know,” smack dab in the middle of it. Other times she doesn’t know if she should be a reporter at all. Some days she dreams about being a professional mattress tester or bubblewrap examiner. She believes she would be an excellent mattress tester personally.

mattress tester

Bliss.

** Her fiance made her lunch today. He made her a sandwich and gave her two packs of cheese crackers, a Mountain Dew Code Red, and a can of vienna sausages. With no fork. Her choices consist of eating the wee little weiners with her fingers and risk losing a digit to the unforgiving sharp metal edges of the can or staring at it blankly and hoping the sausage fairy comes to her assistance. Somehow this seems like a scene out of a SAW movie.

can of vienna sausages

Seemingly harmless

***Granted, she is still at work, but she also knows she’s not the first person with a desk job who’s fantasized about making a fort in the knee space beneath their desk. Seriously, all she needs is a pillow and a little curtain and she’d be fine. It would be a nice place to spend her lunch breaks. Her can of vienna sausages could keep her company.

****Unfortunately, much of the time she spends writing turns into this. She believes the abyss is the only thing that doesn’t mind if she stares at it while the slow, grinding wheels of inspiration turn in her head.  Most people get weirded out by her staring into space. Probably because the space she’s staring at is directly to the left of their head. Sometimes she stares at a downward angle and cocks her head to the side with a semi-vacant expression on her face. Inspiration (a.k.a. the abyss) lives in weird places. The abyss is a good listener when she’s talking to herself too. She wonders if the abyss likes vienna sausages. Or has a fork.

Abyss

Pictured Above: The Abyss

*****The abyss does not have a fork. And does not like being yelled at. That is all.*^*

*^*The abyss does like vienna sausages however.

******She’d be a day drinker if there were more hours in a day. And if she had the extra money to spend on liquor. She’s really just craving another Mountain Dew.